Mute Monday

Moth on Butterfly Bush (Buddleia davidii), 2009

Free Bird (Well, Almost)

A jewelry post, finally! As I mentioned a few days ago my Jewelry Mojo has wandered back home, and I've finally finished a bunch of projects that have been hanging around my workbench since last winter. I got these wonderful handmade ceramic pendants from Etsy seller Beadfreaky and handwrapped them in antiqued brass wire (from PatinaQueen, another favorite; she does the gorgeous patina birds I've often posted here). To keep them simple I just put them on hand-knotted leather cords that are entirely adjustable. I've made a bunch of these (I love the frog, of course!) along with some Kumihimo necklaces that I'll show off tomorrow.

Not much is going on this week; I really miss the kids and won't see them till Tuesday because of the holiday weekend, but I'll try to use the time to catch up in school, file paperwork, and do some photo trips. One destination will be the Bosque del Apache National Wildlife Refuge, which is about 45 minutes away and is always a great place to hang out. Other possibilities include Water Canyon, the Kelly cemetery, and some old Pueblo ruins about an hour northeast. I will keep busy so I don't think too much about what absolutely MUST be the final hearing in my divorce case on Tuesday, where I will sign the final settlement decree with my ex (who had better not have anything up his sleeve but I wouldn't be surprised if he did). We've been officially divorced since April 2008, but that has been just about the only thing actually done in this 2.7-year quagmire, which is why I am letting go. Open hands, open heart.

Hello, Jeremiah. Yes, I'm angry about Deepwater Horizon, too.

Bullfrog, May 2010

This beefy, belligerent, booming bullfrog lives at the duck pond on the New Mexico Tech campus, along with at least one or two others I heard today. I was quite surprised when, despite my best effort to sneak up on him to grab a shot, he noticed me but, rather than diving deep, turned around to face me full on. Thank you, Mr. Bullfrog, for the serenade that led me to you and for this perfect shot. I spent at least an hour at the pond this afternoon, mostly just watching the ducks and geese socialize and the hummingbirds dive for bugs above the pond's surface, and I left feeling far more serene than when I'd arrived.

Later on I might post another image or two from what turned out to be a lovely photo shoot; for now I have to try to regain my footing in school and push forward exploring internship opportunies for next fall. A "trial run" today proved to be a great confidence-builder, and I have another one tomorrow; I'm shadowing a social worker/counselor who does home visits with home health and hospice clients so that I can volunteer with her for the next few months and then perhaps do my first internship there. We'll see; it does, surprisingly, seem to be a good fit.

Sunny

Columbine (Aquilegia hybrida), May 2010

A funny thing happened while I was happily, almost obsessively snapping and processing images of flowers: my Jewelry Mojo came back home. Today I finished four pairs of bird earrings, three Kumihimo necklaces, and oxidized brass bails for five ceramic pendants, and will finish a few more Kumihimo necklaces this evening. I've been wondering whether I was so far gone with the photography (ya think??) that I'd never get back to jewelry, either on this blog or at my workbench. But this afternoon I realized that creative expression in any form fills the well, so to speak, and sure enough my inspiration to create some new pieces is back.

This columbine is from the church garden I wrote of yesterday; I love the tangle of stamens and pistils, which became the obvious focus of the shot as I processed it in Photoshop. Looking at this and other shots I realize I need to learn more about how to work aperture and shutter speed on my camera so I can play more with depth of field. This image, which I do like a lot, is cropped from a larger one that shows the whole flower, including the characteristic "wings" extending from the flower's base, but has a very shallow depth of field and thus is less representative of the flower than I'd like. So, more learning... gee, I think I need to take a photo trip soon. I already have an offer to visit a friend in Santa Fe; if I can scare up some camping gear I also want to go up the the Jemez Mountains -- which, now that I think about it, is where my whole photography obsession began back in 1993.

Grey, and Then...

Lamb's Ear (Stachys byzantina), May 2010

On Friday I found myself in a church garden (safely outside; I recently decided I don't want to "do church" anymore) and among the many beautiful flowers was this Lamb's Ear, a lovely soft plant that is also tough enough for our dry climate and terrible soils. These are just coming into bloom, and since they're mostly grey the emerging blooms really stand out. As I composed this shot I couldn't help but think of how even the longest grey winter does finally yield to spring, and that first taste is always the sweetest.

My daily photo meditations this week have saved me; much of this week has been what one sage friend wryly calls a "learning time" with lots of emotional stuff coming up that I'd been fighting down for a while but finally realize I just need to sit with and work through. Life is short -- too often shorter than we realize -- to only be living halfway because I'm using so much of my energy just keeping my head above water and all my feelings "safely" underwater.

So, how exactly to deal with it? So far today I've completely cleaned out and reorganized my closet, dusted the house, washed and hung out three full loads of laundry, watered all plants inside and out, tested the drip irrigation system and marked where I need to make repairs, continued digging the garden beds where I will plant green bean, radish, spinach, and other seeds, run another batch of jewelry over to the local gallery, and painted my toenails for an outing tonight. Yes, I am Going Out, and I will let my hair down and wear a pretty skirt and strappy sandals because it really is spring, after all, and as the world around me comes back into bloom, how can I help but hope? If nothing else I'll have fun, which is very long overdue.

Moving Forward

Pincushion Flower (Scabiosa lucida), May 2010

I love these flowers because they're hardy enough for both our cold winters and our dry climate and because they bring in lots of bees to pollinate my garden (which I finally got planted yesterday). I also love the pale bluish lavender... and until I took this photo I had no idea this flower packed so many colors into its tiny unfurling buds and stamens. Best of all, the two plants just outside my studio are packed with new buds that will continue blooming all summer and well into the fall.

Why so much photography these days? First, I love it, and finally have decent "tools." Second, I feel an almost desperate compulsion to be outside, away from phones and the computer and papers and files and all of it. I finished some business with my ex this week (I hope he doesn't decide to get ornery about it, but whatever) and am "feeling the feelings" as a dear friend puts it so I can finally, really let them go and move on in my life. It is time. I am giving up a lot, materially, to settle with him in order to bypass our horror show of a rural kangaroo court (yes, I'm writing that on my public blog, and I get to let go of all that anger now, too) and to avoid further disrupting my family life at this critical time, and the "loss" is well worth it to finally gain some true peace and freedom.

Life is beautiful. I make a choice every day to believe this, and even on a not-good day I can find some bit of beauty to rest my eyes on. (It seems a whole lot easier in spring, though...) ;-)

More Life, Still

Bottle Gourds Curing on Fence, May 2010

My garden last year produced more than a dozen huge, gorgeous bottle gourds that are just about done curing. I hung them to dry in the sun on what was the chicken coop (the chickens flew away last year, thank goodness; I have determined that they are noisy, messy, and destructive to gardens and thus not my cuppa tea). Now it's time to clean them so we can do crafts with them. Everyone gets hand-painted gourd birdhouses for Christmas this year....

It's another not-good day, except that it's my boy's birthday and he asked for a chocolate cake "that Mama can eat, too." So after school the kids will help me make a flourless chocolate cake, bless their hearts, and whatever else happens today it will be a good day.

Life, Still

I joined the Digital Photography School Forums to learn from others and to use their assignments and challenges to help myself see things I might not have considered photographing before. The still life is a vaunted tradition in many media, but I've never had the slightest interest in it till I saw some in the DPS Still Life Challenge. So many different ideas about and perspectives on objects ranging from fruit in bowls to a fork reflected in a spoon...

So I wanted to try it, and composed a few this morning but didn't get around to photographing them; it was not a good day, and creativity fell by the wayside as I tended to more immediate matters. Then, this evening as I was sitting in the kitchen trying to regroup, I looked up to check the time and saw the most perfect, quiet beauty right in front of me: some old dime-store bottles on my kitchen windowsill illuminated by the setting sun. I forgot to turn off the autoflash on my camera, hence the unnecessary blue backflash on both bottles, but I got the essence of that moment, and so here's my first Still Life, reminding me that... life still is, here and now. And also reminding me that a creative moment is no luxury but is sometimes as essential as breath itself.

Portraits and Such

I have no formal photography training except for a half-semester in 1995; I left midway through the course to move to California, got a great job, and didn't pick up my camera for almost six months. When I did, I went back to nature photography (it's a great excuse for a scenic road trip) but also spent a lot of time casually photographing my stepdaughter, then 5, so my now-ex-husband could have some nice pictures of her. I don't have these pictures anymore but remember how surprised I was to find how well the images caught not just her likeness but also her wonderful personality. The photo at right, which I took last year of two similarly sparkling personalities, is of two "bestest friends ever"; I was lucky they were by a window so the light was good, but really the picture works because it was totally unposed and spontaneous, and totally captures these girls' personalities and friendship.

I've found that a similar thing happens when photographing animals; there's a moment when you can almost see the creature's soul, and even if you don't believe animals have "souls" many of them definitely have something compelling about them. And they do all kinds of cute things. The giraffes above are both "zoo babies" at the Albuquerque Zoo, one a yearling and the other (believe it or not) just a few weeks old. I suppose "cuteness" depends on the species; the baby alligators at the zoo were not exactly cute...

They say to just do what you love and you'll learn to do it well, but I've also benefited over the years from books and, now, the Internet. One site I like is Digital Photography School; on the "Photographing Children" page the author offers a suggestion we could all live by, whatever our passion:

The key to good kid shots is to rediscover your own inner child. Kids love to have fun, they do the unexpected, they love to experiment and test things out and they love to play. Approach photographing them in this spirit and you’ll find your pictures take on a wonderful childlike quality.

Visual Meditation: Sunset

Just Another Neon Sunset, May 2010

Virgas, May 2010

The landscape out here in New Mexico's high country may be sparse,  but the sunsets are luscious. Some are muted, most are lovely, and a few just go overboard in a moment when everything aligns perfectly and an already beautiful sky goes neon, horizon to horizon.

The other night, on my wildflower expedition, was just such a night. As if the flaming clouds and sky weren't enough, the virgas dancing in front of the higher clouds changed from light to dark to light again as the sun slipped toward the horizon. (Virgas are cloud fragments that don't reach the ground; I never saw these back east and find them endlessly fascinating.) On autofocus the camera didn't know what to do, so I switched to manual (oh how I've missed this capability!!) and, although I didn't totally nail the focus in the second shot, it's good enough to show the frilly virgas that hint of summer rains to come. This second shot could have also used a horizon line at the bottom; I did get one shot that included the horizon but it wasn't focused enough, so this is my best for now. Just to be able to do this much, and to learn from it, is exhilarating.

Photo Trip

Happy Dog (Canis felicis), May 2010

A beautiful evening and a restless dog created ideal conditions for my first digital SLR expedition beyond my backyard; I was soon to discover that our long wet winter and "spring" (we got frost again last night; good thing my veggie plants are still in the garage) created ideal conditions for a wildflower pageant. My favorites (so far; I have only just begun to Photoshop) are this Indian Paintbrush, which the sun nicely illuminated just as I was composing the shot:

Desert Indian Paintbrush (Castilleja chromosa), May 2010

...and the budding Yucca stalk below -- I had no idea yucca buds were so pink. This one will likely become 5 to 8 feet tall and have a dozen or more blooms; I'll try to get more shots of the stalk as it grows and the parts begin to unfurl. I know the yucca isn't entirely in focus in the center; I'd need a real macro lens to do that... or I could get a tree stump or other "stool" to elevate myself so I could get a greater depth of field.

Yucca (Yucca elata, I think) flower stalk/bud, May 2010

I know, I can't seem to just take "normal" pictures. I prefer macro/close-up photography probably because my landscapes are actually quite inept, despite much reading and practice on the topic. I guess I see something interesting and want to examine it up close, from lots of different angles. The yucca bud is actually the top of a stalk that is currently about a foot tall; the sideways pic I got was pretty cool, but this... well, it's different, and I like it.

More Backyard Flowers

Blue flax (Linum perenne) and visitor, 2010

Once again, a visitor I didn't see while shooting this picture emerges during Photoshopping. These blue flax blooms are tiny -- 3/4 inch across at most -- and don't look so striped or swirly at first glance; although they are lovely en masse, they are quite amazing close up, too.

Today is a gardening day, so off I go. I'll be headed to a native trees arboretum tomorrow and hope to get good pictures there... now every trip can be a photo trip! *Happy dance*

Just a Common Backyard Flower

Petunia and Visitor, 2010

Okay, so I already love photography, but to have the creative freedom that Photoshop gives me for cropping, so I can home in on details like this bug I didn't even notice? Oh. My. God. There's much more to come, you can count on that...

My First Love

Sunflowers, 2006

This blog started out as a jewelry blog and will (probably) remain mostly focused on that for the time being... once my jewelry mojo comes back home from a-wanderin'... But I've been thinking about my artistic pursuits a lot lately and have realized that I have long been yearning for my first artistic love: photography.

I've always enjoyed "taking pictures" and made some beautiful shots during my travels even with cheap point-and-shoot cameras, but when my dad gave me his sturdy old Nikon FG in 1993, just after I moved to New Mexico, I discovered a whole new world. To see a good picture is one thing, to refine it and make it great quite another, and I found myself entranced with the process of framing a shot, deciding what the real focus should be, and then discovering something entirely different than what I'd thought I was taking a picture of.

The shot above, taken in my previous garden, started out as a picture of the bright yellow sunflower up in the right-hand corner, but as I played with the focus I suddenly saw the amazing tendrils of the sunflower bud right under my nose, and so I got down on one knee and made that the picture. It's one of my favorites, out of more than 16 years of pictures.

I have missed my photography road trips, my backyard experiments, my moments of deep reverie as I really looked at a rock with lichens or a tree with moss or the skeleton of a dead tree against a flaming sunset. I have missed being outside, period, which is where I do most if not all of my photography. When I moved to the hinterlands of western New Mexico I lost access to decent film processing, making the fun part -- seeing the pictures -- nearly impossible; and my ex still won't give me back the FG and my lenses (he claims he can't find them; I'm pretty sure he pawned them right after I left him). I'd been making do with a decent digital point-and-shoot but a deep scratch on the lens has ended its usefulness, so I am sans camera and feel... bereft, like I am missing the huge part of my life that my visual meditations had become. This will change soon, and I cannot wait. Well, I can; I've waited for several years... So, unless Jewelry Mojo comes home soon, expect a lot of photo blog posts soon.

Play Time!

Need a creative boost? Come play! Click on the image above to join the fun; you'll be paired with a partner and swap beads and components to make something you might not have considered making on your own. Now that I've signed up I'm going to sit down at my newly spacious workbench to pick some fun things to send off and inspire someone. I can't wait to see how this turns out and look forward to stretching my creative wings again!

I know I need to post more often, but I had to take some time to clean AND de-clutter the house to prepare for my parents' visit. The de-cluttering went beautifully; for the first time in my life I was able to let go of a LOT of stuff, and the physical letting go has spurred a mental/emotional letting go of stuff I don't need to carry around in my head and heart anymore, either. What I have left is stuff that is truly meaningful or useful: family pictures and heirlooms, batik fabrics, mosaic and jewelry supplies, and most importantly SPACE to create again. I'm just about finished with coursework for the week and, since high winds will keep me indoors away from the garden, I can do jewelry today... or maybe some sewing, something I haven't had time or SPACE to do in a long time. While de-cluttering I came across a huge collection of unfinished projects, from quilt tops to baby clothes, and will focus on clearing those out before I start anything new. That's my new mantra: use what I've got, and finish what I start. I always start new projects with a burst of creative energy; now I'm going to apply that energy to finishing what I'm sure will be beautiful pieces once they're DONE.

A Giveaway at Lorelei's Blog

Brass Bracelet with Handmade Bird "Buttons," Lorelei of Lorelei's Blog, 2010

I follow a good number of blogs, mostly on jewelry and mosaic design, and I've been following Lorelei's for a few months now and just love it. Her work is unique and serenely beautiful, her photography is superb, and she writes with great personality. She's having a giveaway through Wednesday for some wonderful pendants she made by hand, and although I'm dying to win (especially since my birthday is Thursday, wink wink!) I also wanted to share this giveaway and point you to her inspiring blog. I am entranced both by the individual pieces she makes and with how she puts them together. Although I seem to be back in a creative lull, I'm very happy to read about and see what others are creating; thank you, Lorelei, for sharing with us.

Detail from panel of bird fabric

As I mentioned in my last post, aside from school (second-to last quarter of coursework, for an MS in marital/family therapy) I'm channeling my energy into NOT being even remotely eligible for the diagnosis of "hoarder" by sorting through boxes and bags of stuff I've been carrying around for one or even two decades. Fabric: I'm unloading most of my stash in my new Etsy shop. Books: I'm donating several boxes' worth (just about everything except jewelry and gardening books) to the local library and will send more over after I get the rest back from my ex-husband. Clothes and tchotchkes and household goods: I'm holding back a few essentials and family keepsakes but am donating several boxes and bags' worth to the local thrift store (a half-dozen boxes of my and the kids' oldish clothes are already there). And various papers: TO THE DUMP. Why have I been keeping bills and clippings and tons of other crap from 5 or 10 or more years ago? Because... I keep stuff out of habit, and then I get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of it, and then everything gets stuffed into boxes and closets or crawl spaces or attics, and then when I have to move... Good God, what a mess.

No more. I'm letting go, finally, not only of stuff but also all the "history" it carries. For some of it, good riddance; for other stuff, especially beautiful stuff like batiks and flannel quilting fabric and wonderful kids' prints, if I can't use it it seems almost immoral to just stash it away. Plus, I'm really REALLY tired of moving boxes and boxes of stuff that never got opened after the last move (or two, or three).

Fabric Destash

I have been sorting through my stuff lately and have decided to lighten my load a bit. I have an amazing (or ridiculous, depending on your perspective) fabric collection and realized not too long ago that not only would I never find time to use it all, but I don't actually enjoy sewing nearly enough to even want to try. So I'm keeping some cotton batiks for a few quilts I'd like to make down the road but otherwise will work my way through a rather large stack of unfinished projects dating back three, four, even seven years, and will let the rest of my fabric go.

This cool cat batik is already gone, but I have many more cotton batiks, prints, and flannels at my new Etsy shop. Prices are about half the original retail; these fabrics are in new condition but I really need to unload them (and a whole lot of other stuff) before someone nominates me for Hoarders....

"Let not your heart be troubled"

This lovely pewter sparrow from Green Girl Studios seems to prefer blue (I used my other one with kyanite in a necklace I made last fall), or maybe that's just my inclination these days. For this necklace I used faceted iolite, some beautiful faceted crystal quartz briolettes, Swarovski crystals, cultured pearls, and Balinese and sterling silver. I've made two other iolite necklaces with filigree flower pendants and will put all up for sale in my Etsy shop sometime next week before school gets too busy again. I start my second-to-last quarter on Monday -- four classes to go -- and am just excited enough to get through the 10 weeks of intensity... I hope. But I aim to keep open a bit of creative time, most likely in the morning, because we all know what happens when it's all work, no play...

(This post's title, by the way, comes from the gospel hymn, "His Eye Is On the Sparrow," one of my favorites. I know, Quakers don't sing hymns, but I do anyway.)

Arisen, Again

Peach Blossoms, Spring 2009

This time last year the tiny peach tree outside my bedroom window was in full bloom, but it's late this year. That's probably a good thing; these lovely blossoms were killed by a hard frost soon after I took this picture last spring and we never got any peaches. Such is mountain life; in any case I wanted to put up a photo of the amazing beauty that spring gives us because, to me, that is what Easter is about: life returning. So whether it's Christ rising from His tomb or Persephone returning from the underworld or just plain warm weather getting the sap running and the birds singing again after a cold, dark winter, I bid you much peace and beauty on this and every day.

April Showers

April Showers, Wirewrapped Apatite and Peridot Necklace

I seem to have made this wirewrapped bail (adapted from an Eni Oken tutorial) a standard focal builder because it works for so many kinds of beads, from gemstone to glass, polished to rough. This piece uses a rough apatite crystal from Mexico, one of a handful gifted to me by Two Cranes' Dean Crane, and although the photo doesn't show it well this specimen has some beautiful fluorescence inside. I put this pendant on a necklace of peridot, crystal quartz, and sterling silver and finished it with a clasp using a Creekmore-Durham glass button. It will be for sale in my Etsy shop soon, along with four other necklaces I've made this week.

That's it for now; after several cold, windy days we finally have nice weather, so although I'm under the weather and can't garden, outside I go for a spot of sunshine. Happy Easter to all who celebrate it!

Spontaneous Environmental Art

I've become a big fan of what some people call Environmental Art; two blogs on my reading list that I particularly enjoy are Richard Shilling Land Art and Environmental Arts and Faerie Houses. I don't do this kind of art myself (yet) but find it inspiring for both my own "art" (someday I'll feel bold enough to remove the quotes) and just for living life.

My girl child, on the other hand, has never seen these blogs but, being her mother's child and essentially living outside once the weather warms up, has spontaneously begun to create her own version of environmental art. I give you "Eggholder," her title for a nest she made two evenings ago from twigs, cholla skeletons, tree trimmings, part of a tumbleweed, and a smooth round rock she'd been carrying around for a few weeks now. She found all of these in and around our yard and composed this at the edge of our yard so people passing by on Main St. (which, in true Magdalena style, is a dirt road) could enjoy it. I know I love it because my child made it, but I also think it is so cool that she made something special from, essentially, nothing special. To me that is the essence of the creative spirit, and it never ceases to amaze me that anyone can manifest it if they just allow it to happen.

Prayers at Sunrise

 

Morning Prayers, Bracelet in Turquoise, Charoite, Citrine, Glass

I'm entering my first art contest ever: the Art Bead Scene Turquoise Color Challenge, which you can learn more about here. The task: combine turquoise, purple, and pale yellow in a piece of jewelry that includes one or more art beads. This is my entry; I based it on a set of prayer beads I made in 2007 that I'd been thinking of turning into a bracelet and had to restring anyway because the knotted silk cord I used was fraying. This piece uses charoite (the divine purple stones, all natural -- most "charoite" I see lately is dyed Zebra jasper or very poor quality charoite), turquoise, citrine, handmade "sugared" glass discs, and sterling and Balinese silver. I made this to fit me because I'm keeping it.

Looking at past challenges and winning entries I see that the emphasis is more on seed beading, which is something I just don't do because I lack the dexterity and am also losing my close-up vision... and I really don't think I have the patience for it. In any case, I really enjoyed this challenge both because turquoise and purple is such a wonderful color combination (and I love how the citrine yellow warms it up) and because it inspired me to sit down at my long-neglected -- and now CLEAN -- jewelry workbench. Well, it was clean yesterday.... So I guess I need to spend the afternoon finishing the other four projects currently cluttering it: two necklaces that include pendants I wirewrapped myself, earrings for an Etsy order, and some copper findings that I'm the process of soldering. Yes, soldering, thanks to an iron I found in the garage and some instruction, flux, and soldering wire from a friend. I've been dying to do metalwork...

Confession: A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Clean-Up Resolutions

 Yesterday I made muffins because I was feeling both hungry and creative... and because my kitchen is WAY cleaner than my studio. I should probably be ashamed to show these pictures, taken a few moments ago, because who lives like this?? Well, I do, when I'm as ridiculously busy and stressed as I've been in recent months; I just finished another quarter of my masters program (six down, two to go), which always takes over my life for 10 weeks, and I also was mired in a court battle that is now over, thank God.

So, um, yeah, this corner of the studio/office/dining room got messy as I attended to more pressing matters, and now that I am feeling rested and creative again I have time as well as reason to clean it up. Posting these pictures inspires me -- yeah, that's it -- and also makes me accountable because every "Before" shot needs an "After" shot, right? I also have to clean up this space before my parents arrive next month. The mosaic side (top picture) isn't too bad, but the jewelry side... I guess I'll start there, because it's the messiest and also because I've been feeling the urge to make pretty spring jewelry again. I know I have the stuff I need, somewhere in this mess.... In the meantime I can grab some Kumihimo supplies to take with me to the kids' playdate today; I have some beautiful bird pendants to string. Somewhere, in one of those piles.

The Most Amazing Muffins EVAH (In which I ramble on about my recently rekindled passion for baking, now gluten-free)

Gluten-Free Morning Glory Muffins

This space started out as a jewelry blog, then I added mosaics last year, then I added photography this year... and today I'm posting a recipe. But I feel it's "justified" (like I have to justify what I put on MY OWN BLOG?) because, having completely lost my cooking mojo during my marriage thanks to an endlessly critical spouse (now ex-spouse, thankfully for SO many reasons), it is finally coming back, mainly in the form of baking, along with my creativity in general. That's really what this blog is about: my creative life. Everyone should have one. Seriously.

Most of us would agree that cooking and baking are inherently creative activities (at least for those of us constitutionally unable to simply follow directions); adding to the creative challenge, I recently had to adopt a gluten-free diet (no wheat or other gluten-containing grains, hence no bread, crackers, pasta, cake, cookies, muffins... good God, how is that possible???). Having realized about two weeks in that I absolutely cannot live without baked goods, I began experimenting with gluten-free baking. Results have been mixed so far; while packaged baking mixes such as Bob's Red Mill Gluten-Free Hearty Whole Grain Bread and Pizza Crust mixes have turned out quite well, they are also very expensive and thus unworkable on my very tight budget. Packaged all-purpose flour mixes (such as those from Bob's Red Mill, available in a 25-lb bag from the Web site, BTW; and Namaste Foods, available in bulk from Amazom Marketplace) are a bit less expensive but not much so, and while they're okay for general use I haven't been thrilled with the results so far and need to figure out which ones work best for which baked goods.

Therefore, in a spirit of exploration and experimentation (and desperately seeking comfort food that won't set my innards churning), I have turned to the Internet (I highly recommend Gluten-Free Girl & the Chef) and several recent cookbooks devoted to gluten-free (GF) baking. Gluten-free flour formulas abound, which would be great except that most of them include five, six, seven or more different flours (such as brown rice, amaranth, garbanzo, sorghum, millet, quinoa...) and other components (such as potato starch, tapioca starch, xantham gum...), which would be difficult enough if I lived in an urban area but is essentially unworkable since I live in a rural area and have to drive 30 to 100 miles for such ingredients.

All that aside, today I HAD to have muffins. Not those plain, over-sweet things sold as "muffins" in most places but something with substance: whole grains (but now gluten-free), fruit, nuts, wonderful texture, and FLAVOR. My recent batches of muffins, made by dutifully following various GF recipes, have been disappointingly dense, a common problem in GF baking. Today I was feeling creative and willing to try again, and decided to improvise by pulling from various recipes and my own baking experience -- AND writing down what I did, for a change, so I could repeat it if it worked or adjust it if it didn't. I adapted the recipe below from The Best Gluten-Free Family Cookbook (which has good recipes but complicated flour formulas), Gluten-Free Baking Classics (which has great flour formulas), and my memories of my earlier delectable but gluten-loaded muffin experiments, and I am thrilled to report that it came out perfectly AND might actually be repeatable.

The batter mixed up beautifully, and tasted DIVINE; that's always a great sign but not necessarily conclusive; how the muffins bake up is definitely not a given in GF baking. After I spooned the batter into the greased muffin cups, I let it set for 20 minutes; this an essential step in GF baking because the flours have no, uh, gluten to create structure and thus the baking soda & powder have to be allowed more time to work. Then (after another "taste test"; yes, I know the hazards of eating raw batter but do so anyway) I placed the pan reverently in the oven, set the timer for 20 minutes, and walked away. Within 10 minutes the muffins-in-progress perfumed the whole house; but they were still soft after 20 minutes so I steeled myself for another 8 minutes, watching them carefully, then turned the oven off, opened the door, and left them in for another 10 minutes because I REALLY didn't want gummy muffins this time. (Well, I left 11 of the dozen in; #12 jumped out of the pan onto a plate and nearly burned my mouth in its impatience to get INTO MAH BELLY... and it was fantastic.)

I'm now on my second muffin and am about to make up another batch to freeze... if they make it that long. So here is the recipe; note that I live at 6500 feet, so you might need to add another 1/2 teaspoon or so of baking soda if you live at sea level. And you'll probably want to add more sugar or other sweetener; I use as little as possible because I'm trying hard to avoid the family scourge of adult-onset diabetes (and am succeeding quite well so far).

The Laughing Raven’s Super-Fantastic Gluten-Free Morning Glory Muffins

Makes 1 dozen muffins.

Stir together and then set aside:
2 c gluten-free flour blend (I used brown rice flour blend from Gluten-Free Baking Classics)
1/2 t salt
1 t baking soda
1 t baking powder
1 t cinnamon
1/2 c ground flaxseed
1/2 c brown sugar (or more to taste; I use half as much sugar as most recipes recommend)
1/2 c shredded coconut
1/3 c chopped walnuts
1/3 c dried blueberries (or raisins, dried cherries... whatever you like)
1 T grated lemon or orange zest (if not available, add 1/2 t lemon or orange extract to the step below)

In a large bowl, beat thoroughly (3 minutes or so) until very foamy:
2 eggs
3/4 c applesauce
6 T sour cream

Stir in:
1/2 c crushed pineapple with juice
1 c grated carrots (or zucchini)
1/2 t lemon or orange extract (if not using zest; you could use vanilla, hazelnut, or other extract instead)
Flour mix from 1st step above

Spoon batter into greased or lined muffin cups. Now preheat the oven to 350 F, and allow batter in cups to sit for 20-30 minutes. This step is essential for gluten-free flours (otherwise the muffins will be dense and gummy; if you’re using regular wheat flour you can skip this step).

Bake for 20 minutes or until firm to the touch (I have to bake these for 25 minutes, actually); turn off heat and let cool for 10 minutes in opened oven or on stove-top, then remove immediately from pan and let cool upside-down on stove-top.

I'll try this recipe with the Namaste and Bob's Red Mill general-purpose flour mixes and let you know how it turns out.

And one of these days I'll get back to my regularly scheduled programming...

Creative Time, Again

Thistle bud, 2010

I released a huge burden last Friday: I asked a judge to dismiss a civil case I could no longer bear to fight thanks to dirty tricks (aka business as usual) by the opposition, lack of funds, and a realization that the fight was devouring my life and my soul -- and I feel blessed to stand here now with empty hands. Except they're not actually empty; I am hugely blessed with supportive family and friends, beautiful healthy children, and the opportunity, more than half-realized now (60% done, in fact), to start a new career in a field that will be both personally and professionally fulfilling.

I feel like, perhaps because I am at midlife (I hope I have another 40+ years!), my Higher Power brought me to a crossroad and said, "Material this way, Spiritual that way, and you MUST choose now." I won't lie and say I just smiled agreeably and said, "Oh, okay, let's take Spiritual for $0"; I fought it, I tried to get both, I tried to hang onto what little I had left after my divorce and the prospect of a reasonable settlement (with an unreasonable person)... and one day a few weeks ago I finally stopped flailing and listened to that still, small voice within telling me, "Surrender to win."

I surrender: property. Money. Personal belongings my ex chooses not to return to me. And I surrender insanity, chaos, strife, hostility, the heavy chains of retorsions and reprisals and all the crushing madness of personal grudges as expressed in divorce court.... And I win: serenity. Sanity. Inner peace. Release. I win my life. I left my now-ex-husband to live instead of die, yet was mired in a battle that he was winning just by keeping me engaged in the fight. So, yes, surrender to win; he does not get me back, he loses one more mode of controlling me, and I move further away from a person who would rather crush me than lose control over me. But he gets neither.

So, yes, I surrendered material goods and prospects... It's a very small price to pay, I believe, to get my life back. Blessed I am indeed, and I am celebrating by creating.