23 March 2010

Creative Time, Again

Thistle bud, 2010
I released a huge burden last Friday: I asked a judge to dismiss a civil case I could no longer bear to fight thanks to dirty tricks (aka business as usual) by the opposition, lack of funds, and a realization that the fight was devouring my life and my soul -- and I feel blessed to stand here now with empty hands. Except they're not actually empty; I am hugely blessed with supportive family and friends, beautiful healthy children, and the opportunity, more than half-realized now (60% done, in fact), to start a new career in a field that will be both personally and professionally fulfilling.

I feel like, perhaps because I am at midlife (I hope I have another 40+ years!), my Higher Power brought me to a crossroad and said, "Material this way, Spiritual that way, and you MUST choose now." I won't lie and say I just smiled agreeably and said, "Oh, okay, let's take Spiritual for $0"; I fought it, I tried to get both, I tried to hang onto what little I had left after my divorce and the prospect of a reasonable settlement (with an unreasonable person)... and one day a few weeks ago I finally stopped flailing and listened to that still, small voice within telling me, "Surrender to win."

I surrender: property. Money. Personal belongings my ex chooses not to return to me. And I surrender insanity, chaos, strife, hostility, the heavy chains of retorsions and reprisals and all the crushing madness of personal grudges as expressed in divorce court.... And I win: serenity. Sanity. Inner peace. Release. I win my life. I left my now-ex-husband to live instead of die, yet was mired in a battle that he was winning just by keeping me engaged in the fight. So, yes, surrender to win; he does not get me back, he loses one more mode of controlling me, and I move further away from a person who would rather crush me than lose control over me. But he gets neither.

So, yes, I surrendered material goods and prospects... It's a very small price to pay, I believe, to get my life back. Blessed I am indeed, and I am celebrating by creating.

2 comments:

Kim Mailhot said...

May the celebration be healing too ! Congratulations on recovering your freedom. Cheers !

Anna said...

Thanks so much, Kim! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and taken away...