18/365: Outside

Testing the ice, near Magdalena, NM

My travel schedule is harder on the kids than it is on me, so I took Friday off to spend the whole day with them before taking off for two more trainings, one over the weekend and one next week. With the weather finally warming up, a walk on the property got us all out of the house and into the fresh air again. Laz went straight for the pond to see if the ice was still there (it was), and Lucy seemed to watch him carefully and actually nudged him a few times when he got close to the pond's edge. Best. Dog. Ever. As you can see in the upper right side of the image, Riley wanted to play, too...

5/365: A Dog's Life

Riley naps on a winter day... on the leather sofa...

4/365: Game Night

Tonight we had an impromptu game night; Maggie beat me soundly at Earthopoly (the Millenials' version of Monopoly) and did the math to prove it. Smarty pants. :-)

3/365: Shell Game

Maggie plays endlessly with whatever toys are at hand; this game she called Acorn Shuffle. She played it like the shell game, shuffling the acorns under her hands, and I did just as poorly as I would do at the shell game. Girl has quick hands.

2/365: Cyborg Boy

Last year's 365 (366) project lasted little more than a month, but this year I have an iPhone and can shoot and post much more easily. The photo quality won't be as high (though I am hoping Digital Photography School's e-book, iPhone Photography, will help), but the odds are better that I will actually shoot and post daily. Can't hurt to try.

1/365: Friends

Maggie gives Goliath a New Year's hug

Happy New Year! We took the dogs out to run today and found the horses and Goliath digging into fresh bales of hay. Even with all that hay at their feet, they nudge us for treats, which I always forget to bring. If we lived out there, that wouldn't be a problem, nor would getting in some riding time. So one wish is for Dad to finally get his house built so there's a homestead out there. I don't mind living in town for a few more years, though I'm already dreaming of my own home out there, too...

A Moment in Time

Mom and me, Christmas 1990, Philadelphia, PA

Two years ago tonight we said goodbye to Mom, for good. I miss moments like this so much. I try really hard to give moments like this to my kids as often as possible. With hugs, more is always, always better.

Unconditional Love

My two loves, Albuquerque, NM, April 2012

From Stephen Colbert's interview with Maurice Sendak earlier this year:
SC: "What's the best thing a parent can do for their kids?"
MS: "Love them."
SC: "What does that mean?"
MS: "Take them for what they are."
Today, although I miss my mom, I am happy to celebrate becoming a mother with these two little people. They have inspired (and sometimes forced) me to discover strength and creativity I didn't know I possessed, and to step up to the challenge of being there for them no matter what. Today, the kids and I must pull together even more closely as we face an unexpected situation that... changes things. But it also clarifies the meaning and purpose of motherhood for me: to love and celebrate my kids for who they are, even when they're challenging my sanity and resourcefulness, and to give them rock-solid love with no conditions, no tests, no demands, no limits -- just as they have always done for me. Their love and their presence in my life are priceless. Happy Mother's Day to you all.

Spontaneous Genius

A horse's eye view (by Maggie), Magdalena, NM, March 2012

I wish I could say I took this picture (the second one is a closer crop of the first) based on careful planning and composition, but I didn't even take this. My Maggie picked up my camera and started snapping away yesterday while I was helping to unsaddle the horses, and this shot, as spontaneous as it was, seems to perfectly express her creativity. She sees me doing close-ups all the time, so I'm fairly certain she did choose this perspective on purpose, and we could attribute the cool lens flare and amazing reflection in the horse's eye to luck. Still, Maggie saw something through the viewfinder that compelled her to release the shutter and capture this moment. And so, in yet another medium, my little sprite expresses her creative talents. Maybe I'm biased (ya think?) but I'm awestruck.

Touching Base

Dad and Riley at the ranch, Magdalena, NM, March 2012

So, um, I'm not quite sure what happened but I can definitely say I lost both my photo mojo and my writing mojo, and... well, in the spirit of being kind to myself I will simply accept that I had to let blogging go for a bit. Internship and coursework have drained me and, as this current quarter progressed and I took on more clients and a group, my creative energy ran dry. I know this isn't permanent; while I will be working more hours (for money, yay!) in a few months, I won't have coursework anymore...

Yesterday, warm sunshine (after a snowy 3 days last week!) did recharge my batteries enough to get out and about, take a few pictures, and even play with Photoshop and my Topaz filters. I've had no energy or inspiration for post-processing lately, hence the lack of posted photos. Can't say I'm "back" but with the current quarter ending this week I do hope to get more photo time during my break.

Nap Time (32/366)

Riley and Dad, Magdalena, NM, Jan. 2012

I so need my home days; I got a lot of computer work done but was happy to do so from my lounge chair and, later, right from bed. I'll admit to taking a short snooze this afternoon, too; given yesterday's 10 hours of nonstop work and 4 hours of commuting, I think I earned it. And you know what, even if I hadn't, a nap is always a wonderful thing.

Cutie patootie (27/366)

Maggie at the Socorro County Courthouse, Socorro, NM, Jan. 2012

I love that my girl wears cowgirl boots with her dresses. I love that she cheers her brother on when he does things like today's county-wide spelling bee, and that she tries hard to cheer him up when he doesn't win. He did make it to the 5th round and was the shortest one still in it for a while, and he wasn't at all hard on himself for not winning because we kept telling him it was awesome just that he made it to county and had the courage to get up in front of all those people. So it was a good day.

Missing



Mom with Lazarus, Sept. 2002, Philadelphia



Dad, Mom, Laz, and Maggie, May 2008



One year ago today I awoke before dawn and raced 100 miles north to catch the earliest flight out of ABQ so I could be at my mom's side in Philadelphia as she died. In my mind every moment of that day, especially her final struggling moments, stands starkly apart from the rest of life. As the mental shroud of denial mercifully draped over me in the days that followed, I recall both breathtaking pangs of loss and a sense that she was just out on an errand and would come through the door at any moment. I remember thinking at some particular moment that I was doing okay, then I would hear someone speak of cancer or see a pink/blue/purple awareness ribbon bumper sticker and just dissolve. Awareness? All too much, all too keening, really to the point of paralysis because Mom's cancer bore down mercilessly, swiftly felling any thin shoots of hope and scorching bare the earth that bore them.

One year later, I feel I have mourned -- not completely (no such thing, I believe), but mindfully and thoroughly, to arrive at wherever I'm "supposed" to be after this first year. I still dream of her mystical reappearance. I still lament not only my own loss but the kids', and the flourishing gardens she does not gaze upon, and my new internship experiences we do not discuss, and my graduation next year she will not witness. I lament the loss of time with her. Do I honor her by lamenting? Probably not, because as I read through some poetry last night this verse jumped out at me as essentially Mom. So I'll honor my own process by continuing it and I'll honor Mom by posting this as a tribute to the joyful, colorful spirit that dwelled within her and remains with us.

Lament me not, but sing songs of youth and joy;
Shed not tears upon me, but sing of harvest and the winepress;
Utter no sigh of agony, but draw upon my face with your
Finger the symbol of Love and Joy.

Disturb not the air's tranquility with chanting and requiems,

But let your hearts sing with me the song of Eternal Life;

Mourn me not with apparel of black,

But dress in color and rejoice with me;

Talk not of my departure with sighs in your hearts; close
Your eyes and you will see me with you forevermore.
         -Khalil Gibran, "The Beauty of Death"

Singing and Dancing in the Rain

Maggie walks through the first real rain of the season. Magdalena, NM, July 11, 2011

Finally, the rains started in earnest today. We had a few minutes of light rain this morning, but the clouds hung around and then about an hour ago the skies opened up and gifted us with the deep soaking rain we've needed so desperately these long dry months. My fearless Maggie jumped up and ran right outside, coming back in for an umbrella just so she could see better through the downpour and make her way to the "rivers" running down the street. I'm so glad I handed her the bright pink umbrella... This photo is by far my favorite of the year.

The Other Side of the Lens: New Old Timers

My little vaqueros, in the only photo I took today

Today was the big day: Dad, the kids and a friend, and I rode in Magdalena's Old Timers Parade! A while back Dad arranged with a local hunting guide and outfitter to graze his horses on our land north of town, and in exchange he has been taking us on short rides to get us used to the horses (I rode constantly as a kid but until a few weeks ago had been on a horse all of 3 times in the last 20 years) and to lead up to longer rides later this summer. Somehow the subject of the Old Timers Parade came up... and there we were today, with me on the other side of the camera for a change!
  

Dad, looking like a pro riding the steadfast Damacio, led Laz and Maggie on Goliath the Imperturbable Mule

To be honest, it was a lot of fun but also a lot more work than I'd anticipated. The cars, buggies, and other horses in the parade and the big noisy crowds along the route provided far more commotion than the horses are used to, and most people who don't ride have no idea how sensitive horses are to their actions. I sure am now; I've been riding Blaze, one of our friends' stalwart pack and guide horses, and his usually calm self dissolved into a skittering, prancing hot mess as the noise level and crowds grew. The kids' friend was on the paint mare Prescita, who is a bit high-strung but usually sweet-tempered, but who just about jumped out of her skin (and out from under her thankfully-experienced rider) as it all pressed in on her. Big kudos to her for handling Prescita so well and keeping her cool.

The big sis of Maggie's BFF rode the very skittish Prescita, who reared in the middle of Highway 60, and I rode my usual steed, Blaze, who decided to be skittish as well -- we had our hands full but stayed the course.

Dad and the kids had much calmer mounts, and we all made it through by staying calm and focusing on the riding even as we smiled and waved to the crowds. I did have to mouth off a bit (my mama-bear side does come out sometimes) to people who drove or rushed way too close, and I rode right up to the Forest Service trucks to ask them not to blare their horns and sirens, something they'd done in parades past. When we got home, I retired into the A/C to shower and watch movies the rest of the day -- fittingly, The Missing (set and filmed here in New Mexico) was on and I got to enjoy some serious horse action, this time from the comfort of my cool lounge chair....

Los Caballeros

Doc, Lazarus, and Dad riding the range

I went riding again today for the third time in two weeks and am really starting to feel comfortable in the saddle again. Lazarus went with me and Dad this time; he's been on a horse before but is still getting comfortable with it, so he rode Goliath the mule and Doc led him for the first half of the ride. Then he felt comfortable enough holding the reins and rode the rest of the way on his own, and said he really enjoyed it. I guess I did, too, because Doc said I was smiling big the whole time. I still am.

Lil' Dude! No, wait, Buster! No, Marley! Marley it is. I think.

So I think we're calling this little dude Marley; Laz had named him Buster yesterday morning (after the dog in Toy Story) but then my Dad was talking about "Marley & Me" this morning and Laz changed his mind. Marley is a cooler name... not that the dog answers to anything right now. I took him in for shots and deworming yesterday and the vet said he was in good shape despite having been dumped on the street; she said he's about 6 weeks old and seems to be a boxer/pitbull/shepherd mix. I also got a kennel (really a huge dog carrier so he can travel in it later on) for him at night; the roaming around the house whining and yipping and peeing and pooping all over the place does NOT work for me. Truth be told, I adore puppies but hate raising them; I had planned to get a young adult dog at a shelter in another year or so, but this guy really needed a rescue. And God, look at that face. So, puppyhood it is. Lucky little dude, I'm feeling generous these days.

And we shall call him...

Lucy's new buddy, who came to us today

Lucy at about 5 weeks (2003)

... well, we're not sure yet. Dad and the kids found him cowering under Dad's car this morning; a neighbor said someone dumped him and some siblings (who I haven't seen yet; another neighbor might have taken them in) on our street last night. And then Dad made the mistake of bringing the little dude into the house to show me how cute he was... so he's ours now. I've been wanting a buddy for Lucy for a while, and she seems eager to play with him, but of course the cats hate his guts and are surely plotting revenge. I'm guessing he's the typical Magdalena Mutt blend of cattle dog, shepherd, pitbull, labrador... He looks a LOT like Lucy did at this age (that's her in the photo at right, the day we got her) and has big feet, so I'm guessing we've got ourselves another big happy dog.

So, what shall we name him?

Macro Study: Arise

Zucchini sprout, April 2011



Tomato sprout, April 2011

Happy macro day, and happy Easter to all who celebrate it. I find myself alone for the first time in 3 weeks because the kids have gone to their dad's for the week and my dad is in Albuquerque with a friend and her family. Although it feels strange and a bit squirrelly, I realize now how much I needed one full day and night alone to really feel and listen to myself. The first holidays after a loved one dies are difficult, people tell me; I definitely felt it around Thanksgiving and Christmas and had to really push myself to be cheery for the kids' sake. I didn't expect to feel it for Easter but then came all the death and resurrection talk, which reminded me of the many dreams I had in the months following my mom's death in which we somehow discovered that, wow, she's not dead, she just wandered off into the wide world and will come back to us someday. The quickening stream of Mothers Day ads is also getting to me... so, definitely a good day to be alone.

Cucumber sprout, April 2011

I'm not lonely, though; Lucy and the cats have been right by my side all day, inside and out. Despite the incessant wind I have been out gardening all weekend, digging beds for all these sprouts and laying new driplines for the Great Garden Expansion of 2011. I tell people I'm expanding the garden because of high food prices and declining produce quality, but really, I'm a woman possessed. Later this afternoon, though, I'll take a break to go walking with Lucy out on the property and clean up my mom's little stone house that now seems to be her de facto gravesite. Her ashes are back in Philly, but I'd like to bring them out here this summer. It feels like she belongs here.

Not exactly a cheerful Easter post, I know. A few people (who obviously don't know me very well) have taken pains to remind me that Mom is now in a better place, with God, in Heaven, moving onto a new phase of existence, and so forth. I won't say I do not believe that, but I'm not feeling it. Not today, anyway, and certainly not because I'm "supposed to." So being in the garden, preparing and planting and tending, is exactly where I need to be. I hope you all have a wonderful day, in celebration or whatever else occupies you today.

Zucchini sprout, April 2011

The Day the Circus Came to Town

 

The circus came to town this week, which was quite a surprise given how far off the beaten path Magdalena is. I was a bit hesitant to get the kids' hopes up about a small-time circus, but since we kind of had no choice once they'd heard about it, we all went on Thursday evening and actually had a great time. This was the kids' first circus, and it started with the lion and tigers who seemed a bit subdued but nonetheless wowed people just by being so large in physical size and presence. Other acts included juggling, dog tricks, unicycling, and acrobatics, and they were all really well done and enjoyable. I didn't take my DSLR because it just sucks in low light, and I also feel self-conscious using it in public; Dad's (formerly Mom's) Canon PowerShot didn't seem to do any better, and I had no idea what I was doing (it's pretty sad that I can do everything manually and usually well with my camera and am all thumbs with a point-and-shoot).

(Maggie isn't smiling because she just
got brain freeze from her snow cone)

I did manage to get a few shots that, because of the low light, were very noisy (the equivalent of grainy in film photography) but salvageable thanks to Topaz DeNoise and Topaz Detail. You may notice the inside images seem a bit too smooth, and that's because removing the noise also, of course, sacrifices some detail. Someday, I'll have a fast lens... someday. In the meantime, I'm definitely getting my money's worth from my post-processing software, and I remind myself every time I want to shoot in low light that even a top-notch camera can take crappy photos if used only as a technical instrument. I also remind myself of how photos become an important part of memories, especially over time. My kids will look back happily at these photos of their first circus and will remember the cool high-wire acts and silly clown -- this one definitely wasn't scary -- and ferocious lion and tigers, and the treats their grampa bought them. That is a big part of why I take photos, and it's at least as important as the enjoyment and creative expression that photography brings to my life.