There on the Sad Height

Cholla skeleton at sunset, Magdalena, NM, May 2010

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my [mother], there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas, 1951

Suddenly, the end of the road of hope is in painfully clear view; perhaps I am being hasty, but I don't think so. The medical news for my mom has been unrelentingly bad, and it is excruciating to just stand by and watch, and try to be there (but really what is there to say), as someone I love faces the end of the road right here and now and for real and forever. And a lot sooner than expected. Someone whose family has "great genes" and lives well into their 80s and 90s, even 100s, who has taken good care of herself and eaten properly and exercised and quit smoking long ago, who planned a proper and sensible retirement of 20+ years -- suddenly she had maybe five years. Then two years, then maybe one unless a miracle happened, and now the chance for a miracle is gone... it is indeed cause not just for sorrow but for rage. Impotent rage, so heart-rending, and so very mundane; we all go through it, don't we? And the legions who have gone before, and those who will follow, yet this loss never, ever tears less than every last fiber of the heart asunder.

Maybe we'll get better news later this week. God, it is so hard to let go of hope.